Mimosa with Samosa, Shekhar (Part-4)

It really hurts to be nice to Vani when I hate her, with all my heart. But it hurts when I see her sit there, depressed and lonely, without anyone caring for her. I don't know what went wrong after that night, when I made love to her the way she asked her stranger to. She has stopped checking her emails, blackberry lies in a corner, discharged, lifeless. That is so unlike Vani. She hasn't even read any books now. Did he dump her? Or did she pull out of her virtual fantasy? She sounds so phony when she tells me repeatedly that she loves me. May be she is reassuring herself. I don't have a choice too. Life is such a bitch when you are middle-aged and timid. I don't have the courage to pick up everything and move on. I will probably ruin Ruchi's life also if I decide to leave. For all three of us, it is better to forget about the stranger, and move on, and hope that no stranger ever enters in again. Some love doesn't have the ability to grow when shared. It diminishes. I promise myself to love Vani for my sake, for Ruchi's sake and for our parents' sake.

I apply for a vacation and plan our trip to Cancun, hoping to be rediscover the love and bound with each other in a new way. In a strange way, I still love Vani. I want to make her happy. May be I found my happiness in hers that reflects on Ruchi also. May be it is the love I have for myself that makes me love Vani. I look for a few book recommendations on Amazon to read on the vacation, and see something written by Vani's writer friend. I wonder if that would make a nice gift for Vani. She is not fond of jewelry anymore, and expensive gifts don't amuse her anymore. The introduction of the book sounds interesting. A writer falls in love with a married woman online. At first she doesn't give in, but later, as he explains, the charmer that he is, gets to her. The devil that he is, has her. Something about the story is so compellingly true that I download the book, take the day off, and sit in corner in Starbucks, reading. I want to know how Vani fell for this guy. He is the invisible stranger. He is the one she wanted to wrap her around, with his words. It hurts. It hurts to see every thread of love that I wound over Vani unravel and show her dirty nakedness. It hurts even more to see him wrap her in his love, his words. But at least now I know that Vani didn't just decide one day to cheat me. It just happened. I know she stopped after that night, because the story takes an unusual turn later. The woman the writer loves decides to give up her happy family and be his soul mate forever, love him unconditionally, like Meera loved Krishna. My Vani is a normal person who loves conditionally. She only gives back the love you give to her. I smile, as I couldn't decide whom did Vani cheat. Me, her husband, or her lover. She left two men wanting for from her. She was incapable of loving anyone wholeheartedly.

I buy the book from Barnes and Noble on my way home, gift-wrap it, and give it to Vani, on our vacation. I want to catch her feelings, without anything to distract us.

"What happened?"
"Huh? Nothing"
"I thought you knew the writer"
"Yes. I met him at the literary event"
"On the day you wore white dress and diamonds?"
"You remember too many details"
"I remember everything I know about you Vani"
"Why did you buy me a book?"
"To read of course. I thought your friend's book might help you cheer up"
"He is not a friend"
"A lover"
"Shekhar.."
"I was just kidding"
"I love you, and no one else"
"Was he your boy toy"
"He is old"
"So just a toy to amuse you?"
"I don't play with feelings"
"If I were you, I wouldn't play with anything that is not mine"
"How do you know what's yours?"
"Why do you have to go seeking and not be content in what you have"
"I am happy with what I have"
"I am happy too"
"Shekhar, this book.. I don't want to read it"
"I understand"
"You don't"
"Yes, I do. You feel that those could very well be your words"
"No Shekhar, you don't understand"
"Vani, I know you want to be a writer, and it hurts you to see someone else get ahead"
"Shekhar, I am not jealous"
"I know, you are hurt"
"I don't want to write"
"Don't. Just read"
"I don't want to read either"
"You sure about that? Not even Braille? I was thinking of teaching you to read Braille"
"Shekhar, we have been married long enough.. I know how to read Braille"
"May be there is something I didn't share with you?"
"You kept secrets from me?"
"You thought only you could keep secrets from me?"
"Promise me, you won't keep any more secrets from me, and I will tell you everything that happened"
"I don't want to know. I love you, and you love me, let's leave it at that"
"Shekhar"
"Shh.. let's forget everything and move on. Do what interests you"
"My family does. I want to take care of you and Ruchi. Past few days, I haven't been very nice to you guys. Especially Ruchi is feeling very bad about my ice-cream eating habits. She is worried that I will get fat. Every afternoon she makes me ride the bike"
"She loves you a lot. Be a good mother. You have to make a lot of sacrifices to a good mother, and a good wife Vani"
"Shekhar, you have made a lot of sacrifices too.. to be a good dad, and a good husband"
"If you love me, and don't break my trust, that will be my reward"
"I will Shekhar, I will"

I throw the book in the suitcase, and I will probably leave it in the bookshelf for Vani, as a reminder. Life has to go on.