Mimosa with Samosa, Manisha (Part-5)

“Madhuri, how do you feel now?”
“Sorry mom”
“Why beta? Why now? After all we have been through”
“I don’t have the courage to live anymore”
“What do you mean you don’t have the courage? I steeled myself to support you through all this mess you made, you return the favor like this? Did you even think of your mom before you did something so drastic?”
“I feel disgusted by myself”
“Why do you think so? You did a mistake, and you can move on. It’s not something that nobody has ever done”
“People have kids when they are ready to have them. Not like me”
“But you didn’t have the kid. That’s the difference”
“But you know and I know that we killed the baby”
“It is for your own good”
“It haunts me”
“What haunts you? An unborn baby that wasn’t even out of love? If you are so sensitive, you shouldn’t have thought before planning your mating with that Chinese boy. If you are so sensitive you should told me that day itself. When did you become so selfish Madhuri? How come it’s all about you and your sensitivities suddenly?”
“I didn’t mean like that”
“Then what do you mean? You declare suddenly that you are pregnant. I do everything I could to make you feel normal and loved, and you still act up? What do you expect me to do madhuri? Haven’t I done enough for you guys already? Am I not a good mother to you that you are bothered only about some unborn and not me if something were to happen to you”
“I am sorry”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it out. It just doesn’t! You know how hard it is for me to go through all this alone”
“Mom, I miss the baby. It had already started moving”
“Pull yourself together Madhuri! It has no future! It wasn’t even born out of love!”
“Neither was I!”

And here I am supposed to say that no, you misunderstood, Jignesh and I love each other very much. But I sit there, on the hospital bed with my jaw open, unable to reply. Jignesh rushed in and wanted to know what happened. Was it a love affair? Did something happen on the India trip? Did she get a low grade? I ignore all questions as the nurse gives a sheet to fill in parent history with questions like “pregnancies” “live births” “miscarriages”. Those appeared huge than three people making their own stories behind the attempted suicide.
I click on pregnancy and miscarriage as Jignesh watches me.

“What are you doing?”
“I know what I am doing”
“Are you out of your mind?”
“No, you are out of the knowing”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“When have you bothered to know?”
“I am the father”
“Yes, so we use your last name”
“Manisha, I have a right to know what’s going on with my daughters”
“You know what, I am tired of you and your habits of not talking. Next time if you want to know something, make an attempt to ask and to listen”
“When have I been a bad father? And you bring this up when our daughter is on a hospital bed for an attempted suicide, with a pregnancy that her father didn’t know of”
“When should I? Tell me. You always have your guardian angel parents hovering around you, or you are at work, you don’t want to be disturbed. Have you ever spent a little time with me, or with the kids asking us how our day was?”
“I work twelve hours a day to provide you and kids a stable life and all I get is a speech about how callous I am?”
“It’s not the quantity Jignesh, it’s the quality. You never made me feel loved, or cared for. For you, it’s all about you. You are the one who need attention every moment. We give it to you and you don’t even think that we need some of that back”
“Do you really want to discuss all that after sixteen years of good married life?”
“Sixteen years of married life. May be good for you, but not the rest of us”
“Manisha!”
“Is that shock, or surprise or a threat?”
“You are out of your mind to talk like this. I will stay outside in the waiting lounge. Let me know if you need anything”
“No need. You may go sleep if you want to. Your mother will worry about your health if you don’t get a good night sleep. We can manage ourselves. We are strong enough”
“There is no use talking to you”
“There has never been any use telling you anything also, neither will be”

And he walks out. I wish he walked out of my life, and never came back. But he doesn’t. I don’t either. Today was the first time in our married life that I told him some truth about our relation, and he is already done listening. Whoever talked of open communication between a couple. I talked, he didn’t even listen. It would have been better if I didn’t talk at all. I wish I had the courage Madhuri had to slash my wrist and end my agonies. Or dare to have to boyfriend like Demi Moore who will show me a good time in life. Poor me, I am stuck dreaming that someone sweeping me off my feet every night for the past sixteen years. No one ever stepped into reality. Or if they did, they didn’t think I had to be rescued from Jignesh’s dungeon, with his parents guarding me like twin dragons.